The joy of text...

Did you know, there’s more chance of me becoming the next presenter of Top Gear than there is of you seeing me chatting on my phone… *sigh

Don’t get me wrong, I love my phone – it is pink after all, albeit with a rather big scratch on the screen. *sniff

I can often be spotted with my phone in my hand, when I am not rummaging in one of my bottomless handbags looking for it – convinced that I’ve lost it and feeling quite short of breath about this prospect. But it really is just for texting purposes – rarely do I make phone calls. And this suits me fine, as I am quite adept at texting.

The other day I was tap-tap-tapping away on the bus when a tourist with an enormous backpack, said to me in a foreign twang, ‘Are you texting?’ I nodded and he looked shocked, adding, ‘Gee, you are one fast texter.’

And I guess I am quite speedy, although I’m not going in for any world records any time soon. I’ve discovered there’s a Kiwi called Elliot Nicholls who can text a 160-character message blindfolded in 45 seconds. Nimble-fingered Elliot must be a hit with the ladies, for erm… being able to organise a date quickly and efficiently by text message.

So, back to the phone – as I said I use it mainly for texting and when it rings I often, quite bizarrely, feel very afraid. I hate not being able to hear what people are saying at the other end. It makes my face burn and go bright red, and I have the most amazing reflex that causes me to hit the hang-up button often mid-conversation.

Rude? Who cares!

But there is one person I never feel afraid about talking to, and that’s my friend The Writer. The first time I spoke to her, I hung up at the end, not in the middle, realising that I hadn’t said pardon for our whole conversation. She spoke so clearly and each word was enunciated so well that I completely forgot I was deaf.

When I saw her later that week, I told her how wonderful it was! That was when she confessed that as well as speaking the Queen’s English very clearly, she was also shouting very loudly.

So that means, whenever The Writer calls me, not only can I hear her, but the whole of the City of London can, too. You know what, she only works around the corner from me… perhaps we can get by without using the phone at all and just shout from our computers!