I am not deaf enough

And this is why…

Mariah Carey keeps coming on the radio screeching something about wanting me for Christmas and I can hear her!

ARGH!

It’s not Christmas yet – I haven’t finished my shopping or had a mince pie and the only evidence of me accepting its imminent arrival is my wonderful advent calendar from Ma, which has a surprise in a box every day.

Yesterday is was a green glitter glue pen! I love my Ma.

Anyway, back to my point, which is – I don’t want to be hearing no Christmas songs on the radio until Christmas Eve – and even then only carols are acceptable.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas – but I like Christmas on the 24th and 25th of December – and perhaps the week before. When did it become acceptable to start advertising Christmas in September when the shops should be full of back-to-school paraphernalia?

The whole world’s gone mad!

Now, you’re told to buy school things in June before the summer term has ended, Halloween stuff in August while enjoying BBQs and sunshine, and Christmas cards in September – heck why don’t we just change the calendar and be done with it? School will then begin in June, my birthday (Halloween) will be in the summer so I can finally have an outdoor party that doesn’t involve umbrellas and Christmas will occur when the evenings are still light.

When I am Queen/Prime Minister or just generally in charge, expect things to change…

Now, just imagine that – me in charge…

What would I do first, I wonder.

Well, for a start I would make it compulsory to have one screen in every cinema in the land showing a subtitled movie every hour that it was open.

I would sort out the iPlayer at the BBC and I would make techy people invent telephones with ultra low rings, ensure that every deaf person in the land got a free fire alert system installed in their house, and find a way to speed up subtitled radio.

I would also create a subtitled announcement system on planes so the captain announcing the altitude and speed didn’t induce a ‘We’re going to crash’ hysteria within me – although perhaps a strong gin and tonic would do that, too.

And, after all that, I would go back to my palace and declare a permanent 3-day weekend.

Let me know if you’d vote for me!